I pray a lot. Mostly I pray for God to take my ex-husband out of my thoughts and dreams. My dreams continue to play out what I cannot express to friends and family. "It has been long enough." They may say. Or, someone tells me he doesn't matter to me. Everyone is right, it has been a long time since we were together. And, he doesn't mean anything to me, anymore. I don't want to give him real estate in my mind. Because, I belong to me, alone. And, I get to choose for me, now.
Here is the scenario: I know he isn't telling the truth. I pressure him to tell me the truth. And, all the while, I'm trying to cause physical pain in some kind of way. Maybe, by hitting him, or pinching him, or squeezing him until it hurts from the loss of blood flow. Inflicting some kind of pain seems to make the hurt of the lies less painful. And, I get some kind of weird satisfaction, indirectly, from the pain I'm causing him.
I am losing sleep over something that is finished.
Good night. And, I pray that God will take this out of my life and into my deep memory.